I'm a big failure

Here are my therapeutic musings...

🧠 I’ve been thinking about all the times I’ve messed up. But for once, I’m not beating myself up and fixating on the actual failure. I am deliberately recounting the critical moments that followed - when I picked myself up, dusted off, and found a productive, hopeful way forward. Sometimes this whole process took as little as a day, but some failures (or endings) have realistically taken closer to a decade to truly move on from. The point is I got there in the end. And I suspect I’m not alone in this.

We’ve all got these stories. They’re not just tales of survival. They are proof of our ability to pivot and evolve. Society often tells us that failure is the opposite of success, but what if it’s actually a part of it?

Here’s a short clip of me from ‘The Quiet Life’ podcast talking about how to re-frame failure. Watch the full episode here.

📢 Ask yourself:

• In your life, what would you try if you knew you could handle the fallout from failing? Think about it.

• Can you remember a time when a failure led you to something great? Maybe it didn’t feel like it right away, but in hindsight, it set you on a better path.

• After something doesn’t work out, do you take the necessary time to evaluate what happened?

💡The revelation: Choose to do a failure autopsy

When you uncover the 'gift' in a situation, you can transform perceived losses into invaluable lessons, or stepping stones. That could be something you’ve learned from the process, something that’s empowered you along the way, or something that inspires you to move forward. The point is that failure, or endings, can offer hidden opportunities for re-evaluation and development.

Rowland Hussey Macy is a prime example. Before his name became synonymous with one of the largest department stores in the U.S., Macy experienced four retail failures. Each unsuccessful store taught him valuable lessons which he applied to his next venture. With R.H. Macy & Co., he chose a strategic location, implemented a fixed pricing system to build customer trust, diversified his merchandise to increase foot traffic, and focused on exceptional advertising and customer service. These strategic changes might seem obvious today, but they set a new standard in retail.

In her research on growth mindset, Carol Dweck found that people who believed they could grow from challenges actually did. But it takes more than an optimistic attitude, it requires a process of constructive post-event analysis. I think of this as a failure autopsy.

It’s crucial to do this to stop us from repeating patterns again and again, as Freud pointed out most of us have ‘compulsion to repeat’. Here’s how to embrace the concept:

• Reflect on Your Resilience: Take time to think about the moments you’ve bounced back. You’re stronger than you think.

• Learn from Each Stumble: Dive into your failures without fear. What went wrong? What can you learn? This isn’t about blame; it’s about getting smarter and more prepared for next time.

• Normalize Talking About Setbacks: Let’s start being real with each other about when things don’t go right. It happens to everyone. By sharing our stories, we make it okay to try, stumble, and try again.

Resilience is Like a Muscle

Yep, you’ve got a resilience muscle, and just like with any workout, the more you use it, the stronger it gets. That’s right your resilience levels - defined as the capacity to recover quickly from difficult emotional experiences - aren’t finite.

With each challenge, we not only have the opportunity to bounce back but also to increase our ability to do so in the future.

Importantly, those who acknowledge and accept their negative emotions without overly dwelling on them tend to recover more quickly from stressors and exhibit fewer depressive symptoms, compared to those who either ignore their problems or fixate on them.

This ability to process emotions healthily is a key component of building resilience. By embracing and moving through our feelings, rather than avoiding or obsessing over them, we enhance our capacity to handle future challenges.

Every challenge you face and navigate through builds that resilience, preparing you for whatever comes next.

Thanks for being here,