🧠 I’ve been thinking about how unhealthy it is to tie our self-worth to external validation. Or to those high-profile meetings or events that make us feel significant. Recently, with my book launch, I’ve experienced such exciting times - ‘pinch me’ moments at book signings, hosting talks, and appearing on popular podcasts. I’m ashamed to admit it, but during these busy (and glamorous) weeks, I notice I like myself more. But what about the quieter times? The days when the applause fades, the elation subsides, and I find myself at home, still in yesterday’s yoga gear. I’ve realised these are the moments when I, perhaps like you, struggle with feelings of being forgotten. As if our worth dissipates with the silence. It’s a harsh reminder of how skewed our self-evaluation can become towards visible achievements. And how this is the root of suffering.
📢 Ask yourself:
"Is it truly others who forget me during slower weeks - or is it that I forget to value myself without external validation?”
“If so, why might this be the case? (Clue - go back to your childhood).
“When was the last time I felt a sense of irrelevance creeping in during a quiet period?”
“How can I better respond to this internal narrative when it surfaces?”
💡The revelation: Our self-worth often becomes intertwined with our achievements due to early conditioning - especially if we were praised for what we did, rather than who we were. This can later become a dependency. Neuroscience suggests that such validation triggers dopamine release, reinforcing the behaviour that led to the praise, akin to a reward mechanism in our brain.
The Beauty of the Mundane: The challenge - and opportunity - lies in focus on appreciating the everyday instead. Whether it's enjoying more time for rest, savouring the process of slow cooking, or having the space to finally do that life admin. These experiences are not only vital, but they ground us. This year, I’ve committed to maintaining a gratitude journal, challenging myself to find specific daily joys, especially on uneventful days. This practice isn’t just about acknowledgment but about transforming how we perceive our everyday lives.
Neuroscience Insights: From a neurological perspective, the act of writing down gratitudes can shift our mental focus from what's missing to what's present. This practice is supported by studies showing that such reflective exercises can rewire our brains to detect and appreciate more positive aspects of our life, gradually diminishing the habitual overemphasis on spectacular achievements.
Practical Techniques to Try:
Mindfulness Meditation: Engage in daily mindfulness to enhance present-moment awareness. This could be as simple as noticing the sensation of your feet touching the ground with each step you take.
Cognitive Behavioral Techniques (CBT): Challenge the belief that your worth is tied to your productivity. For instance, when you notice self-criticism during an uneventful week, actively counteract it by listing contributions you’ve made that aren’t tied to visible outputs. Like offering a kind word to a friend, being an extra attentive parent, or maintaining your garden.
Start writing: This week, I encourage you to write down three specific things you value about your day that aren’t achievements. Do this every day. It could be as simple as the way the light poured through your window, or a moment of shared laughter. To capture these moments, I recommend the Happyfeed app, which allows you to add images and enrich your entries. Alternatively, you can keep it straightforward with a pen and paper, or by making notes on your phone.
Thanks for being here,
PS. While I’ve just spent an entire newsletter encouraging us all to find joy away from the spotlight, here comes the ironic twist! If you've found value in my book, You Are Not Alone In This, I’d really appreciate it if you could spare just two minutes to leave an Amazon review. These reviews make a massive difference. The irony of asking for public affirmation after discussing its pitfalls is not lost on me, but hey, we all need a little contradiction in our lives, right?
If your business needs a professional website, send me a message. I'd be happy to help. 📩