Do you know your attachment style in love?
Do you know your attachment style in love?
Here are my musings…
🧠 I’ve been thinking about the difference between my and my husband’s attachment styles. Especially when it comes to seeing each other after a busy day. I’ll admit it - I need a big welcome each time I walk through the door. A trumpet fanfare and red carpet rollout would be great. The same isn’t true for him…
It may or may not surprise you to know that this connects back to our early experiences. In fact, there was a groundbreaking experiment in the 1970s called The Strange Situation led by a woman called Mary Ainsworth that set the basis for attachment theory. It involved a series of eight assessments lasting around 3 minutes each, whereby a mother, child and stranger were introduced, separated and then reunited. The way the infant responded - or didn’t - to their mother when they came back in the room pointed to their style of emotional blueprint when it came to bonding.
📢 Ask yourself: “How am I when apart from my partner, or love interest? And how am I when I see them again after an absence?”
Try to answer the questions above for yourself first, then see which of the four main attachment styles below most resonates.
Secure: You are fine when apart from your love interest and remain unchanged when you come back together again. You’re able to be vulnerable and intimately connected, while maintaining a strong sense of independence.
Anxious: You feel abandoned when apart and may resort to clingy or attention-seeking behaviour in a bid for reassurance. Think endless Whatsapp messages and finding ways to stay top of their mind.
Avoidant/ Fearful: You are ‘fine’ alone, because you may be wary of closeness. In fact, distance is comfortable for you, and you may avoid commitment entirely. Once you see your lover again, you may play it cool.
Disorganised: You are extremely confused and chaotic whether apart or with your love interest. Your behaviour indicates “I love you, go away”. It’s likely that you experienced your mother or primary caregiver as abusive.
💡The revelation: Your relationship with your mum, or primary caregiver, set the stage for your subsequent relationships. But the good news is you can work on your attachment style!
The key is to first identify your individual attachment style and then talk through your differences with your lover/ partner, understanding how each of you came to be the way you are. This should soften any sharp edges and gaps in the way you relate. When two people are mutually invested and committed to creating a positive change in this way, a secure attachment style can be developed in the relationship.
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Thanks for being here,
