Are you living your values?
Are you living your values?
Here are my therapeutic musings…
🧠 I've been thinking about an intriguing paradox: Why we chase goals that don't resonate with what we truly value.
It's June now, and stats suggest that almost 60% of us will have already abandoned our New Year resolutions. Why? Because behavioural change is seldom successful if it's not tied to your core values. Values provide us with the 'why' behind our actions.
📢 Ask yourself:
"What behaviours or habits do I want to change in my life?"
"Do I actually know the values that are important to me?"
"Am I using my goals as an opportunity to align my actions more closely with my values?"
💡The revelation:
Your values are your North Star! Unearthing your values might feel like searching for treasure without a map - but there are tools to guide you. I often recommend John Demartini's book, 'The Values Factor,' which offers insightful exercises. One involves listing what you spend most of your time, energy, and money on. These are usually clear indicators of what you clearly currently value the most (even if it’s not what you desire in your heart of hearts). Go ahead and do this now.
Take Sarah, 38 - she dedicates most of her time, energy, and money to: 1) Socialising and drinking, 2) Traveling, 3) Working long hours in her finance job. This reveals a lot about her current values. But let’s say her goal is to find a partner and start a family.
It’s evident that the way Sarah spends her time is somewhat at odds with her stated goal. So, the trick here is to align how she’s allocating her time day-to-day with her newfound resolution/s. For instance, she could tweak her socialising habits to environments or activities where she is more likely to meet potential partners, who share her values. She might also consider looking at her work hours to make room for dating, or family time.
Another useful exercise is to identify the common threads in your life's peak experiences. Here's how it goes:
Reflect on your life and identify 3 - 5 peak experiences. Those are moments of profound happiness, fulfilment, or accomplishment.
Once you've identified these experiences, ask yourself: "What was happening during this time? Who was I with? What was I doing?"
Now, look for the common thread or themes across these peak experiences. What values do these themes or elements reflect?
In my work, I often find that people set resolutions around getting a job promotion, or achieving a successful business exit when deep down, they don't really value money or status. In this case, they might struggle with the motivation to pursue this goal, or even feel empty when they achieve it. This situation calls for an introspective reflection on what truly drives them.
On the one hand, they might learn that the real motivation behind wanting that promotion or successful business exit might not be about the money or prestige at all. It could be about other intrinsic values, such as the desire for personal growth, the thrill of overcoming challenges, or the satisfaction of building something.
On the other hand, if a deep introspection reveals no alignment between the resolution and their underlying values, it might be time to review and adjust the goal. This isn't a sign of failure, but a natural part of evolution. As our self-awareness grows, we gain clarity about what truly matters to us, allowing us to set goals and resolutions that resonate deeply with our values, thereby increasing our chances of success and satisfaction.
In conclusion, whether it's tweaking our approach to pursuing our goals or re-evaluating our goals themselves, the key lies in ensuring that our actions and objectives align with our deepest values.
💛 Product I’m loving: Not a physical product this week but a podcast. “Where Should We Begin?” lets you listen in on the rather fabulous Esther Perel counselling real life (but anonymous) couples and individuals. It’s vulnerable, raw, and as a therapist I love being a fly on the wall and learning from the best.
Thanks for being here,
