Are you Codependent?
🧠 I’ve been thinking about codependency. And how some of my relationships, which may have fallen into this category in the past, no longer do.
Codependency gets a bad rap but most of us are likely to be dependent on something at some time in our lives - whether that’s a person, food, alcohol, sex, exercise or work. That thing then becomes a crutch. It gives us a sense of identity and safety in the world. Even if it doesn’t.
For the purpose of this newsletter, I’m going to focus on codependent relationships adult to adult. This is how it generally works:
One person is the “fixer” and the other "needs to be fixed".
Fixers are often scared to let go of being needed. It feeds them with something. More often than not, these individuals assumed responsibility in their family from a young age. Conversely, the one seeking the fix may be stuck in a cycle of not taking responsibility for themselves, and instead outsourcing their problems.
📢 Ask yourself:
“Do I have an excessive reliance on a partner, or close family member?”
“If so, which part do I play - the fixer or the one needing to be fixed?”
“When might the seeds for my role have been sown?”
It might feel tricky answering these questions - you might even notice some guilt arising. Perhaps you don't want to admit that your partner is overly dependent on you to sort out their mess. Or vice versa.
💡The revelation: It takes two to tango!
For example, the “fixer” can’t just blame the one “looking to be fixed”.
It likely gives them something back. A feeling of superiority, or purpose etc. Being the “fixer” is also a great way of never having to look at your own material!
Listen, we all have certain characteristics and tendencies - but when we get stuck in a role, we can’t grow. The “fixer” doesn’t get the opportunity to learn to be vulnerable and supported. And the person “looking to be fixed” doesn’t get the opportunity to realise their own capacity for problem-solving.
It takes a lot of effort and mutual desire to untangle from the roles we play in life. But it is possible to create a healthier blueprint for your relationships through recognising the role we might be stuck in. And communicating this with tenderness to the other person.
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Thanks for being here,
